You can get better at revealing the cognitive distortions in your life with a little practice. Try identifying the distortions that are happening in this short story:
📖 Short story
You have just found out from a friend, that your girlfriend of two years has been cheating on you. You confronted her about it, and she admitted to cheating, but instead of apologising she blamed her behaviour on you and broke up with you. You are heartbroken and think ‘I can’t believe I have lost her now. If I couldn’t make this relationship work, I will never succeed at finding a lifelong partner. I am unlovable. If she has cheated on me, then every next girl will probably do the same.’
Which of the following distortions are you experiencing? You can find the answers below.
📜 Common distortions
👯 Generalizing: Assuming that because you experienced something in the past this must mean it will happen again. “A dog bit me when I was 5, therefore all dogs are dangerous and will bite me.”
☄️ Catastrophizing: Are you focused on the worst case scenario? Regardless of how likely it is.
🧠 Mind reading: Assuming what others think. “They probably think I'm an idiot.”
✨ Should statements: Pressuring yourself with things you should have done differently. “I should have eaten healthier today."
🌓 All or nothing thinking: Thinking in extremes. You are either a success or a failure. "She doesn't want to date me. I'll never find love.”
🕹️ Out of your control: Are you worrying about something out of your control?
🔮 Fortune telling: Assuming future events. “I just know that something is going to go wrong and I'm going to be late for my interview.”
🚫 Disqualifying the positive: Focusing only on the bad. “He said that I looked nice but he says that to everybody. He was just being polite."
🏷️ Labeling: Taking one characteristic of a person and applying it to the whole person. “I failed a test, so I'm a bad student.”
🔎 Magnifying the negative: Judging a situation entirely on the negative parts and not considering the positive parts. “I ate healthy this week, but I skipped the run I had planned.”
🎭 Emotional Reasoning: Assuming that just because it feels bad, it must be bad. Forgetting that our feelings are just a reaction to our thoughts. “I feel anxious so it must be scary!”
🪞 Comparing and despairing: Focusing only on the positive aspects in others and comparing ourselves negatively against them. ‘Their hair is so much better styled than mine, I look horrible in comparison’.
💡 Answers
I can’t believe I have lost her now.
You are focusing a lot on losing her and not considering that she has in fact lost you, and was clearly not worthy of you. You are disqualifying the positive. It is understandable that you are upset and heartbroken but don’t forget that her being unfaithful and trying to blame you for it is not ok. She hasn’t treated you well and this relationship has ended now. This is a good thing because you deserve better than this. She has lost you and now you are free to find someone who will treat you right!
If I couldn’t make this relationship work, I will never succeed at finding a lifelong partner.
You are thinking in extremes and telling yourself that if this relationship hasn’t worked no other will. You are all or nothing thinking. This wasn’t a great relationship, but it doesn’t mean that the next one won’t be. You are also making disastrous predictions for your future love life. You are catastrophizing. For all you know the right person for you could be just around a corner. And don’t forget that it was her that didn’t make it work, not you!
I am unlovable.
You are calling yourself unlovable because one girl decided to be unfaithful to you, not tell you about it until confronted, and then blame you for it. You are labelling yourself. Just because she didn’t treat you right it doesn’t make you unlovable!
If she has cheated on me, then every next girl will probably do the same.
You are assuming that every next girl you meet will treat you as badly as your ex-girlfriend has. You are generalizing. There is plenty of faithful and kind girls out there, you just need to find them! You know what they say: ‘You have got to kiss few frogs to find your prince (or princess).’
🌇 Conclusion:
Everyone has cognitive distortions sometimes. But we can prevent them from taking over our lives with a little practice everyday.
Here’s another powerful tool for defeating cognitive distortions: Triple column technique.
📚 Read more
More distortions: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions
Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
Youtube: What are Cognitive Distortions?
📱 Practice more
Download Bold CBT. It’s an iOS app that I made which makes it easier to do CBT exercises like this one.
🙏 Thank you
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